Mutual Weirdness-[forever]

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what brings us togetha today."

Sorry, Princess Bride moment. 

A few weeks ago I was washing my hands in the restroom at my workplace and the sweetest older woman, with her curly silver hair and bright red lips, approached me and said, "You work here don't you young lady?" I said yes and introduced myself, and she began to (as many older people do) tell me all about her life. I was not at all opposed to this-one of my favorite things to do is listen carefully to the wisdom of the older people in my life. She spoke gracefully about her years, telling me about her grandchildren and hobbies: gardening, baking, knitting. But she spoke of one thing with the most tender affection-her marriage. She explained to me about how much she loved her grandchildren,  but that her marriage is still the most important thing to her. She loved her husband more than anything. She laughed and said, "After the war, I grabbed myself a sailor and held on to him!" Okay, WWII ended around 1945. Thats 67 years!!! That is absolutely incredible. I met her husband and he shared the same love for her. I was touched by them. Their ability to laugh at each other, to have such a fierce devotion for each other after so long, to hold fast to their commitment to one another. Mr. and Mrs. Brock. I will never forget them.  

Unfortunately, in our sad generation of quitters and commitment-fearers, you don't hear many stories like that of Mr. and Mrs. Brock. In fact, all the stories you do hear are about celebrity marriages that only lasted a few months until they divorce citing "irreconcilable differences." I am by no means saying that every failed marriage was like this. I know many people who have been through a very hard divorce and are now happily married to the true love of their lives. What I am saying is this- husbands and wives do not fight for each other anymore. They give up on "in sickness and in health," they forget "until death do us part," and they certainly deny "in good times and in bad."

So, how can we fight for our marriages (future or present)? What does it take? 

Well, I am a single 20 year old girl. I can't give you expert advice. But what I can give you is the opinions and convictions I have discovered and devoted myself to in hopes of preparing myself for a great marriage someday. And let's be honest, I'm 20...I  kinda think about love and marriage a lot.

1. Jesus Christ

Welp, this ones a given. Jesus is everything to me. And He certainly has to be everything to the man I marry. But more than that, He must be the center of marriage. Too many times Christians get married and forget their First Love. Marriage does not replace your relationship with Christ. You were His bride first. Remember when you first met Him? Remember how He knew exactly how to romance you? Nobody can ever love you like He can. When you get married, you become one flesh with you husband/wife. But that does not mean you share one relationship with your creator. He still wants individual time to spend with you. He still wants to love on you. Don't let that go. That is the foundation of a successful marriage.

2. Prayer

Prayer is the most important spiritual discipline we can practice. William Carey, the father of modern missions, once wrote "Prayer-secret, fervent, believing prayer-lies at the root of all personal godliness." I am firm believer that people cannot escape our prayers. Yes, they may say "No. I don't want you to pray for me." But they cannot stop our constant attitude of prayer and communion with God that Paul exhorted us to when he wrote "Pray without ceasing" (1 Thess. 5:17). Marriage is no exception to this principle. If anything, it requires even more prayer. I pray for my future husband a lot. I keep a journal for him. Sometimes I'm afraid God gets annoyed by how much I pray for him, but one things for sure- I know that he is covered in prayer. I even ask my parents to pray for him. But praying for him/her before you meet is not enough, you must continue this through out your relationship and marriage. Pray together, for everything. Make it a routine. Have a set time to lift each other up to the Lord. 

3. Intimacy

Intimacy is so extremely important to a marriage. It was created by God, for marriage only. Outside of marriage, sex can be destructive to a relationship and your own personal self worth. The damage is hard to reverse. I think of intimacy this way: You have this gift. This pure, beautiful, exciting gift.  You don't want to give your gift away to anyone. It is reserved for that one person who can give you the same gift back. And both of you get to enjoy each other, without any emotional pain attached or confessions to give. Do not be discouraged-if you have already given your gift away, you are not tainted. You are not dirty or unforgivable. There is forgiveness to be had and purity to be renewed. Repent and ask the Lord for forgiveness. Move on and trust that the Lord will bring someone who will love you and look past your mistakes. 

With that said, if you're married, enjoy one another. It's healthy. That's all I have to say about that.

4.  Creativity/Spontaneity 

This one isn't much of a virtue like the past three...but it's a non-negotiable to me. So many marriages these days end because they get too boring. They lose the infatuation, the fun of dating, the falling in love. It is impossible and unrealistic to think your whole marriage is going to be like a Taylor Swift music video filled with stomach-butterflies and forehead kisses all the time. I had a hard time letting that notion go. I always tell my mom, "I'm gonna be in love like that all the time. My marriage is gonna be perfect." She laughs at me. But she always says this, "You have to make the conscious decision to love someone everyday. It doesn't just happen." No matter how much I wish I could just be so smitten with someone and not have to try, it won't happen. Love requires hard work. You have to choose to be gracious, supportive, gentle, and kind. Also, you have to work to keep romance alive! Do not slip into the trap of staying home with the kids every night. Prioritize alone time. Have a set date night, and do some new things together! Don't stick to dinner and a movie. Go to a fair or a concert. Do some exploring. Try all the restaurants in your town. Go camping. Make art together. Just don't get into a routine- love requires thoughtfulness. It requires pursuit.

5. Commitment. 

Nothing listed above can be accomplished without a commitment to each other. Look at the Lord's words in Hosea "...I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy" (Hosea 2:19) What a beautiful way to commit. He isn't just saying "I do." He is saying "You are mine forever, and our union is pure and spotless." 

When we get married, we are not just committing to living in the same house and having kids. We are making a covenant as the Lord did with his chosen people. We are committing to love each other as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25), which Paul calls a "mystery," because sacrificial love goes against all of our human tendencies towards selfishness.

Think of the popular phrase written in Song of Solomon, "I am my beloveds and he is mine." That does not mean temporarily. That means forever. And as Christians, we are commanded to honor our commitments. "Let your 'yes' be your 'yes' and your 'no' be your 'no'." (Matt 5:37). Someday, I'm going to say "yes" to a man, and when I do, it will be for the rest of my life. And I will say "yes" to him for as long as I live.

Back then, people knew what love was. They committed and the pursued and they dreamed with their whole hearts. I pray that we could experience the true love in our marriages that Shakespeare wrote about in his famous "Sonnet 116"-

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds, 

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark, 

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved, 

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

If you're married, I hope this helped you. If your not, like me, think about these things and make your 

own list. What things are a must in your marriage? What do you expect? What are your standards? I

absolutely believe in being prepared for marriage. Invest in yourself and your future spouse. It will be 

so beneficial- I just know it.

-Sammie